Here we are, dear reader. Day five! That’s the longest I’ve gone in a long time writing on this blog. I know y’all are gonna get tired of me saying that, and I’ll probably get tired of saying it. But it’s fresh and new right now. So let me have this for now. 🙂 Anyway, here is the random question for today:
I like to think that I’ve struck a balance between my heart and my mind, but if I’m honest with myself, I would have to say that I’m ruled by my mind more often than my heart. I’ve been called “cold” often enough to realize this about myself. It’s not that I don’t have emotions, I totally do. I just understand that if one lets one’s emotions make their decisions for them, then they will more often than not regret that choice. So it’s better to step back, take stock of the situation then figure out what to do. And that’s what I usually do.
It’s interesting that before I started taking medication for my bipolar, I was an emotional wreck. Like, because of my bipolar, my decisions were nothing but impulsive, emotional, and often irrational. But being on medication for bipolar has reigned that back a lot. As I said before, I like to think that I’ve struck a balance between being that train of uncontrollable emotions flying towards disaster and a cold, emotionless rock. I know I have emotions, but sometimes I’m like… “I know I should be angry about this. I understand that anger is the correct emotion, but I don’t actually feel angry.” Usually, I just feel mildly upset. Sometimes I think my meds work a little too well. And, strangely I’m okay with that. Being a train wreck wasn’t fun, dear reader. Not at all.
Again, I do get angry… it takes a lot to make me angry, but I do get angry, so I’m not devoid of emotion. I also get happy, sad, enraptured, and all of the other emotions that everyone else gets. They’re just… dulled I guess. To tell y’all the truth, because I felt everything so strongly for so long, because of my bipolar, I honestly didn’t have a baseline to know what was normal. So maybe what I’m feeling is normal. Like, I’ll watch a sad song and bawl my eyes out, and I’ll watch funny videos and laugh because they’re funny. I get annoyed when something doesn’t work and I did a little dance when I got my code to work. So I dunno. Emotions are weird.