Questions and Answers

QotD — Influence

Holy wow, y’all! 25 days! Only a few more until the end of October. I may or may not keep going at the end of the month. I might go with another part of the prompt generator I’m working on. It’s a process y’all. 🙂 My brain isn’t working so great lately. Still doing the fibro fog thing. Anyway, on to today’s question, which is: Who or what has been a been a big influence in your life?

Who or what has been a big influence in your life?

The biggest influence in my life was the books I read as a kid. I learned to read fairly early in life, so I was reading books before I guess I should have. And the stuff I read in the books was so disparate to what was going on in my life that I knew my life parents weren’t normal. Like, as an adult, I know that books are an idealized version of real life, but as a kid… well, as a kid I really wanted something that wasn’t what I was living. Reading was my escape as a kid. I read vicariously. Like, I loved my local library.

Picture of fog with a disembodied hand reaching through with the words "Caution, brain fog ahead."

I learned manners from books, what basic decency was. That and doing the exact opposite of what my mom did. So I guess you can say that my mom was also a big influence on me too. As I grew up, I wanted to be anything but her. So whatever she did, I did the exact opposite. Kind of. I mean, both my mom and I are good cooks. But for example, she never got help for her mental illness, denied anything was wrong with her when something clearly was. And while it took ma a long time to get help, I did… eventually. My mom put herself before everyone. She didn’t want kids. She had kids because that’s what society expected her to do, so her kids were her last priority. I really tried to put my kids first and a lot of my decisions — good and bad — were based around my kids’ wellbeing. And nothing was ever my mom’s fault. It’s always someone else’s. Always. It took a minute for me to break out of that mindset when I realized I was doing the same thing as a teenager — but I did. My mom also believed that her life wasn’t complete without a man in her life and I really didn’t want to be that way either. Like, I love my husband, he’s one of the best things that has walked into my life, and I’m glad he’s a part of my every day life. I’d be sad if he wasn’t around, but he’s not necessary for my happiness. I don’t want to sound superior or “better” than my mom, because I don’t think I am, but I just saw how miserable she was and didn’t want to be that way. I mean, she was a bitter person even when surrounded by friends and family, all she ever did was complain. Maybe she was happy in her bitterness, I dunno, but I didn’t want to be her, so I did the opposite. Though for a long time, I was pretty negative myself. So there you go. I try not to be, but sometimes it’s hard to roll away from the tree that gave you fruit. You know?

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Photo from here

Anyway, my brain has signed off and it’s only 10 AM. I don’t think it’s gonna get any better from here. The succinct answer to the question is books and my mom. I wanted my life to be more like those in the books I read and less like my mom’s. Sorry for the ramble. I’m really tired.

picture of a cat looking sad with the words: "Ennui cat is full of ennui"
Ennui is a good word for how I feel…

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