Daily life

A disconnect maybe reconnect

I had a realization this morning when I was waking up. I do a little stretch in the morning and I noticed that the image in my head was very far removed from reality. I mean, I poke fun of that fact that my mind still thinks that I’m 18 but there’s poking fun and honestly believing it. I’m totally not 18, dear reader. Not in any way, shape, or form. The image my mind had was in no way connected to the real me, and it was kind of disconcerting. One of the many reasons why this is a problem is because if I do not have a clear picture of who I am in my mind, then I do not have a clear idea of where I am in the universe. It’s kind of important for my mental well-being for me to have a clear idea of where I am in the universe. If that makes sense. I mean, I know that I’m a speck of dust on a slightly bigger speck of dust flying at a billion miles an hour through a huge void of space. But I like to ground myself on this speck of dust, and for that, I need a clear picture of how much space I actually take up on this place we call Earth because it makes life easier for me. For example, I keep knocking into tables and counters with my legs, hips and ass because my brain actually believes they take up much less space than they do. Like, don’t get me wrong, I know logically that I’m a big woman. I see the number on the scale and understand that a small person cannot carry around that much mass. Plus I can feel my hips pressing against the arms of this chair and I know this is a relatively large chair built for big people. I can also, you know, look down at my body and see that it’s bigger than what my mind believes it to be, but the moment I look away from my body — because I can’t look at my hips and legs all day long, you know? — my mind forgets that image and believes that I’m carrying around the body of someone who is younger and thinner. And it’s kind of strange. Even right now, as I’m sitting in this chair typing these words, the picture my mind has of myself is not in any way close to how I really look. Like, I mentioned that my hips touch the edge of the chair and while I logically know that this is a bigger than average chair made for bigger people, my brain just doesn’t register that and “sees” it as a normal chair, so my hips are normal sized. It’s kind of weird.

I think that this isn’t a good thing because like I said, I need to know my place in the universe and how much space I’m actually taking. With that in mind, I took a moment this morning to actually try and find where my skeleton was as I moved my limbs around and then feel where the edges of my body touched the sheets, and then picture in my mind the distance between them. It helped dispel — a little — that original image of a young, skinny me on the bed. I also realized that my back wasn’t lined up right with the image my brain had, which was odd, but hey at least I was able to get my back straight. So that was something good. I think being more mindful is always good. I used to be a way more mindful person but the last few years have moved me away from the mindful worldview. I should try to move towards that mindset again. It’s way freeing. But honestly, dear reader, I don’t think even that mental exercise this morning gave my rebellious brain a clear picture of the real me. I guess I just don’t want to see myself as old and fat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not morbidly obese to the point I can’t walk around anymore without assistance, but I am overweight enough to the point it’s affecting my joints and back — especially my knees. I need to do something about it. My problem is lack of exercise — if I cut any more calories I’d be starving myself (literally, anything under 1200 a day is starving yourself) and I ain’t going down that road, thank you very much. And the thing preventing me from exercising is my lungs…

…and my lack of, you know, actually wanting to exercise. Ha! Exercise is boring, and I hate not breathing. Remember that game Doug bought me for my birthday? Boring. Way boring. I thought that exercising in a video game would be fun but nope. Boring! I mean, I guess other people might find it fun, but I just think that exercise itself is boring, and they did try to make it fun, but in the end it was still just… exercise with a little bit of gameplay. The only exercise I’ve really liked is walking. I love to walk. I would walk all day if I could. And not in place, y’all. I’m talking about walking. I’d be like Forrest Gump and walk across the country if that were a thing I could do. I’ve dreamed of walking across the country just like that. But call me paranoid, dear reader, I just don’t think it’s as safe for a woman to do so as it was for Forrest Gump. Even an old, fat broad like me. ^_^ The thing preventing me from going out right and taking a walk now is my agoraphobia. It’s totally keeping me from setting foot outside my courtyard, and that is exacerbated by the plague that’s sweeping our land. That, and I have no shoes to walk in. Like, I bought some boots a while back, but they don’t fit anymore. I gave my other shoes to that homeless guy and the pair that I bought online a little bit ago are too tight. Okay for casual wear, but probably not for walking. So… yeah. One kind of needs shoes to walk. I saw some that are supposed to be for my kind of feet… I think they’re these but they’re a little pricey so I’ll have to wait until after the New Year to get them. Anyway, one cannot walk without shoes. I mean, one can, but not very far. Not without hurting their feet. And I’m not about hurting my feet. Just saying.

2 thoughts on “A disconnect maybe reconnect

  1. I’m intrigued by your subconscious thoughts of being thin. In my dreams, I am never overweight and always pretty, young and thin. I kind of like it that way! And I see nothing wrong with it. We are not these bodies! Of course, I’ve got this woo woo spiritual stuff going on and I will not push my perspective on anyone.
    I’m not into exercise either but have found that 2 walks a day (for the dog, not for me!) have helped me slim down somewhat which has reduced my physical pain. The agoraphobia makes it tough though and I sympathize as I’ve felt that in the past.
    Anywho, I hear you and appreciate you putting your thoughts out for the good of all who want to partake!😘

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    1. I mean, it’s okay to dream about being young and thin, but my lizard brain and my logical brain both have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to what space my body takes up in the world. 🙂

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