Imposed idleness is boring, dear reader. I still, after all of these years have not gotten used to it. I say, to myself and others, that I am lazy by nature, but that just means that if there is a way to do something efficiently and with as little energy as possible, I will find it. That does not mean that I like sitting around doing nothing all day. I don’t. But my body will not let me do much of anything right now. I have been working on the website on and off, but there are days (weeks) where I cannot concentrate on something like coding, which is persnickety by nature. I mean, get one little thing wrong and the whole thing just does not work. One tiny comma out of place and yeah… it’s kaput. And then I have to spend hours looking for the mistake, and my brain doesn’t always have the patience for that. I tend to go nuclear and say, “Fuck it! I’m deleting everything and starting over!” Which is why, dear reader, I’m not a coder by trade. I mean, it’s one thing for me to nuke my own web page that I’m building for funnsies but completely another if I delete someone else’s. You know?
So anyway, while I am still working on my web-page, it’s not an every day thing because I need to step away from it to keep myself from going full nuclear on it and starting from scratch every time I can’t figure out why something isn’t working. Well, that’s part of the reason. The other part is that I have been sick this past week, and I’ve been taking NSAIDs for the muscle pain. NSAIDs, for those of y’all who don’t know me, have a sedative affect on me. So my brain kind of shuts down. I avoided them for a long time because of this affect, but a couple of years ago I was like, “Dude, you’re disabled. You’re not working or in school anymore. Who cares if you’re a zombie? Take the stupid meds and stop being in pain all of the time.” So yeah, I started taking NSAIDs again. The side effect y’all see from that is sometimes my blog posts look a little trumpy — kind of a word salad. So, sorry for that. I try and go back and edit them whenever the medicines wear off, but I know some are still a little cringey (stop yelling at me, spellcheck, cringey is a word).
But back to the topic at hand… contrary to popular opinion, having nothing to do all day isn’t fun. It’s boring as hell. I had an ex who used to say, “Only boring people are bored.” and I think he’s wrong. I get what he’s saying. Like there’s the entire internet out there for me to explore, movies, books, college websites. I could take classes and so on. I could, I dunno, go sit on my front porch and knit/crochet. I could play with the dogs (which I do, every day). There are a lot of things that I *could* do, and I do them… but… and this is a big but, y’all… I’m not as entertained by movies as I used to be. I’ve flipped through the Netflix and Hulu queues for, like, almost an hour looking for something to watch — multiple times. Nothing grabbed my attention. I can read books. I do read books, but it’s the same with movies. I just don’t find them as enthralling as I used to. When I was younger, I devoured books. I would check them out of the library by the stack — as many as they would let me — with the librarian warning me that I only had two weeks to read them. I remember laughing at that, only two weeks to read them. Like it would take me that long. Now I just read on the commode because hey, it gives me something to do while I’m there. I think, dear reader, that movies and books were my escape from the crappy life I had. Now that my life isn’t so crappy, I don’t need them. If that makes any sense. So I’m not as connected to the avenue they offer as I used to be.
And I kind of came to the realization that even if I spent my time watching movies or reading books, I still wouldn’t be doing anything. I mean, what’s the difference between watching a movie and reading Reddit? Both are still mindless entertainment, and neither help pay the bills, you know? Yeah yeah, Doug makes enough to pay the bills. I know that. But I’d like to help a little. Having brain fog and a body that doesn’t work is causing more stress… even though right now I have it pretty cushy compared to pretty much any other time in my life. But that’s neither here nor there. I’ve gone over and over it and there is literally nothing I can do about it. No one is gonna hit me with a get well wand and fix what’s wrong with me. Most of my plans to make money haven’t worked and well, that’s just the way things go. Right now, I’m just trying to deal with imposed idleness as best I can, and I’m here to tell you — it’s not fun. /whiney rant. Thanks for listening.