Daily life

Holiday thoughts

View from my computer

I’m sitting here looking at my little Christmas tree and I wonder, dear reader, when was the last time I truly felt the “holiday spirit”? I’m not depressed, so don’t fret about that. But I do have to say that it’s been a very long time since I got into the swing of things around the winter holidays. And I’m trying to figure out why, really. I know when I had the kids with me I went whole hog around the holidays. Big tree, all the decorations in the world. Lights all over the front of apartment, presents for everyone and their uncle — well whatever I could afford. I was poor, you know, so I could only do so much. Our tree was artificial most years and reused every year. Decorations were home made and we strung popcorn every year. I baked… a lot. Most of the presents for anyone other than family came in the form of baked goods. My co-workers loved me between Nov and Jan because whenever I baked, I baked enough to feed an army. I used to love to bake y’all. I mentioned that before. But as the kids moved out one by one and we drifted apart, the holidays became less of a big production and more of a cozy thing. And I was okay with that. One does not need a big production to celebrate the holidays. Even when I lived alone, I was cool with decorating my own space and listening to Xmas music on the radio, drinking hot chocolate, &c… Because I’m comfortable with my own company.

But some time over the last ten years or so, I just… stopped enjoying it all, and I can’t figure out why. It’s like I’m going through the motions because people will worry if I don’t, but… the joie de vivre just isn’t there. I don’t bake anymore. I can’t even remember the last time I had hot chocolate, or a candy cane. I keep waiting for that spirit to come back because I really liked celebrating the holidays, I honestly did. But I can’t find that switch and turn the joy back on. And it’s not just the winter holidays either, like none of the holidays year around mean anything anymore. I’m hoping it’s a temporary thing because I’d like to celebrate certain days again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life just living every day thinking, “Eh, it’s just another day.” You know? That’s pretty awful when you think about it. Anyway, I don’t know why the winter holidays lost their meaning. Why I stopped celebrating them. I have an inkling, but no real proof, I guess. Sigh. Sometimes not having a best friend around really does make things difficult. Anyway, I guess I thought that writing about it might help, and it has a little. Maybe I’ll journal about it. That might help too. Thanks for listening.

2 thoughts on “Holiday thoughts

  1. I fully understand, and if you’re ever in want of a listening ear (reading eye), I’m around most days. I ‘get’ your feelings. But I know when I lost ‘the magic’ of Christmas and why too. I’ve had to re-learn the skill of just letting the joy BE there and not fussing about the fact that it’s not like it was when I was a child or even like it was when I was grown and around my parents (because despite their flaws, they really made Christmas for me). Not so much in material things, but in how I FELT about the whole thing. I, like you, missed feeling that certain buzz when December rolled around. So something I’ve done (and it doesn’t work every year) is to make sure I do some special things that I know will make me feel the magic a little. This year I got my first real tree in over eight years. There was a definite buzz from that action alone, and I sit in my den in the dark and look at the blue and white lights draped over it, and I just feel better. I also baked gingerbread and have happily scarfed the whole lot (because I can’t share, not with Covid out there), with whipped cream by myself. A little more magic. Your own ‘triggers’ (in a good way) will obviously differ because we all have things that bring that Christmas magic home to us personally, and they’re all unique to us as individuals. The trick to Christmas joy, in my opinion, is to ignore it, don’t force it, and eventually (apparently) it will come by itself and perch on your shoulder and share. Blessed Yuletide to you my friend. I’m very glad to have connected with you through this blogging arena!

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    1. Thanks for “listening” to me, Melanie. I hear ya. I think I need to figure out what it was that brought the joy about and help it along. I kinda know but some things need a helping hand. Not much I can do about it this year — COVID and all, but maybe next year, yeah? 🙂 Have a good one!

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