I’m sitting here looking at my little Christmas tree and I wonder, dear reader, when was the last time I truly felt the “holiday spirit”? I’m not depressed, so don’t fret about that. But I do have to say that it’s been a very long time since I got into the swing of things around the winter holidays. And I’m trying to figure out why, really. I know when I had the kids with me I went whole hog around the holidays. Big tree, all the decorations in the world. Lights all over the front of apartment, presents for everyone and their uncle — well whatever I could afford. I was poor, you know, so I could only do so much. Our tree was artificial most years and reused every year. Decorations were home made and we strung popcorn every year. I baked… a lot. Most of the presents for anyone other than family came in the form of baked goods. My co-workers loved me between Nov and Jan because whenever I baked, I baked enough to feed an army. I used to love to bake y’all. I mentioned that before. But as the kids moved out one by one and we drifted apart, the holidays became less of a big production and more of a cozy thing. And I was okay with that. One does not need a big production to celebrate the holidays. Even when I lived alone, I was cool with decorating my own space and listening to Xmas music on the radio, drinking hot chocolate, &c… Because I’m comfortable with my own company.
But some time over the last ten years or so, I just… stopped enjoying it all, and I can’t figure out why. It’s like I’m going through the motions because people will worry if I don’t, but… the joie de vivre just isn’t there. I don’t bake anymore. I can’t even remember the last time I had hot chocolate, or a candy cane. I keep waiting for that spirit to come back because I really liked celebrating the holidays, I honestly did. But I can’t find that switch and turn the joy back on. And it’s not just the winter holidays either, like none of the holidays year around mean anything anymore. I’m hoping it’s a temporary thing because I’d like to celebrate certain days again. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life just living every day thinking, “Eh, it’s just another day.” You know? That’s pretty awful when you think about it. Anyway, I don’t know why the winter holidays lost their meaning. Why I stopped celebrating them. I have an inkling, but no real proof, I guess. Sigh. Sometimes not having a best friend around really does make things difficult. Anyway, I guess I thought that writing about it might help, and it has a little. Maybe I’ll journal about it. That might help too. Thanks for listening.